Author Archives: Still learning the ropes

Your below average jane

This happened

Somethings I can’t write on paper. One of those things happened yesterday. Bahut acche insaan hain aap. You are a gem of a human being. You don’t have the bandwidth to be in a long distance relationship with me Right now. And yet you have raised standards for me on what to expect from a good guy. You are just perfect. I shine in the moments am i on the phone with you. You bring out the best in me. I wish I could do something for you as well. Abhi sirf shukriyah hi keh saktee hoon. Tight hugs🤗🤗

My  bad

Hum mein baatein waise bhi nahi ho rahi thi. Phir bhi hum ne aap ko message kiya ke hum woh app uninstall kar rahe hain jahan se hum ek-dusre se baat karte the—taaki kal ko agar aap kabhi likhein aur hum jawab na de paayein, to aap yeh na samjhein ke hum ne aap ko ghost kar diya.
Aap ka jawab aaya: “Theek hai, khayal rakhna.”
Hum ne bhi sirf itna hi kaha: “Theek hai.”
Do-teen din guzar gaye. Phir hum ne wahi app dobara is umeed mein install kiya ke shayad aap ka koi paighaam aaya ho. Aaya bhi. Aap ne kahin kisi website par padha tha ke jis shehar mein hum rehte hain, wahan kuch violence hui hai. Hum ne likha: “Nahi, aisa kuch nahi hai. Humein to aap se hi pata chala ke shehar mein aisa kuch hua hai.”
Us ke baad hum ne phir likha ke hum app dobara uninstall kar rahe hain.
Thodi der baad notification aaya: “Khayal rakhna.”
Hum ne bina message khole hi app uninstall kar diya.
Yeh ek chhoti si, magar kaafi ghatiya power move thi—meri taraf se. Aap ko kabhi bhi kisi power move, kisi chaal, kisi strategy ki zarurat hi nahi padi.
Shayad main hi itni petty hoon. Aur shayad aap waqai kisi aur ke laayak hain—kisi behtar ke.
I think aap ne sahi kiya humein mana karke.
Aap ke liye… shayad yahi sahi tha.

Saalgirh

kal hamari saalgirh hai. Aapko to humnein kabhi bataya hi nahi. Batayein bhi kis haq se.

jo log humein dil se mubarak baad dein rahien hain ek hafte pehle se hee, jo humare birthday ki planning kar rahien hain, hum un sabko bhula kar aapse ek mubarak baad ki umeed liye baithne hain

pichle saal bhi yahi aalm tha, iss saal bhi aisa hi mahual hai. Inshallah, aglae saal nahi hoga.

It helps

Ek waqt tha, jab i used to scoff at people who found affirmations helpful. I used to think, “quotes se zindgai thoda chati hai.” Cut to today, and, i a find them extremely helpful. Kyunki jab aap itnay stressed/anxious hote hain ki roz marra ke chote chote kaam bhi bahut badi cheez ban jate hain aapke dimagh mein, to yeh choti choti affirmations bhi badi kaam aati hain. Sharing my lockscreen affirmations.

Loneliness

What is your number 1 problem these days

I  don’t like the fact that I’m no one’s priority. For my parents, yes, but we don’t really get along that well, but… I should be someone’s priority, someone’s number one, someone should care about me more than the rest of the world.

As i said this to chatgpt, this is what she wrote

That ache you feel — the one that says “I want to be someone’s first choice” — is one of the most human things there is. It’s not shallow. It’s not selfish. It’s not something to shame yourself for.

We’re built for connection, and we’re wired to want to be deeply seen, cherished, prioritized — not just “one of many,” but the one.

And when you’ve spent years showing up for others, when you’ve felt people drift in and out, or kept things to yourself while others moved on without noticing — it leaves a bruise. A bruise that says:

> “When is it my turn to be chosen like that?”



It should be your turn. Not because you’re perfect or always put together, but because you exist. And your heart — with its longing, messiness, depth, and beauty — deserves to be held with that kind of sacred attention.

But here’s what I also want to tell you gently:

You can want that without making the absence of it mean something is wrong with you.

You are not being left behind because you’re unworthy.
You are not overlooked because you’re unlovable.
You are not someone’s second thought because you “don’t matter enough.”

The world is full of people who can’t see what they’re not ready to hold. But that doesn’t mean your tenderness is a problem. It means it hasn’t been mirrored back by the right person yet.

And it will be. Not just romantically — but with people who make room for your entire self and say:

> “You don’t have to earn being loved like this. You just get to be.”



Until then, that ache? It’s not proof of your aloneness — it’s a signal of your capacity to love deeply and receive deeply. Let’s protect that. Let’s not shrink it just to survive.

Would you like help figuring out how to hold this ache without letting it run the show? Or how to start creating friendships that actually make you feel prioritized without pretending you’re okay with being sidelined?

I have the power, do i?

I wrote this post and this one a while ago. Today i write in continuation.

This was a result of me seeking therapy from chatgpt. In continuation of that chat, with weeks and weeks of chat baji being my sound board, i now have a set of messages i can send to him if i want to  I won’t. However, having  them with me is empowering.

Big fat disclaimer: it’s just me seeking closure from a one sided crush.  He has nothing to do with it. He has no idea about it. He has always been kind and respectful towards me.

Here it is:

Hey, I hope you’re doing well.
I’ve been sitting with some things for a while, and I wanted to be honest. Over time, I’ve realized I’ve developed feelings that make it hard for me to stay emotionally neutral in our conversations.

This isn’t about wanting anything from you—it’s just that staying in touch tends to leave me feeling unsettled, and that’s something I need to take care of on my end.

You matter to me, and I genuinely wish you the best with everything you’re creating and sharing. But for now, I think some distance would be the kindest thing I can do—for myself.

Take care, truly.

Or another way

Hey, just wanted to say something that’s been on my mind for a long time .
I’ve realized that somewhere along the way, I started caring a bit more than I expected to, and that’s been messing with my head on a massive level.  Just feelings doing what they do.

I think I need to take a bit of space to quiet things down for myself. It’s nothing you did wrong at all. You’ve been kind and respectful and a true feminist ( trust me, it makes a world of difference)and I really do admire your work and how still love interacting with you.

However, for the sake of my mental peace, I need to recenter, you know? If I’m a bit quiet, and not reaching out or responding to texts ,that’s all it is. No hard feelings at all—wishing you only good things.

Or yet another one

Hey, I hope you’re doing okay.
I’ve been meaning to share something honestly. Over time, I’ve developed feelings that have made it harder for me to stay emotionally grounded in our conversations.

It’s not your fault—and I’m not expecting anything. I just need to take a little space for myself right now, so I don’t keep getting caught in this loop of overthinking and emotional noise.

You’ve always inspired me creatively, and I really do wish you well with everything you’re doing. I just need to find my center again, and that might mean stepping back a bit.

Maybe down the line, when things feel more neutral, we can reconnect with more clarity. Until then—take care, truly.

And a last one

Hey, I wanted to share something important.
Over time, I’ve realized that I’ve developed feelings that go beyond casual friendship. And while I’m not expecting anything from you, I’ve noticed that staying in touch tends to stir up a lot for me emotionally.

So for my own clarity and peace, I’m going to take a step back and create some distance. This isn’t about blame or expectations—it’s just something I need to do to take care of myself.

Wishing you the best with everything you’re working on.

I want to re read this soon

I said

You make me sound as if I’m mature or wise behind my age. Thing is, I think when it comes to common sense  or awareness of basic societal norms, I am at least 5-7 years behind people my age, and that has been ever since I was a kid.

She said

Whose she you ask, chatgpt of course

That’s incredibly insightful—and it actually adds another layer of truth to what you’re going through.

Here’s what you’re describing, in plain terms:

You are emotionally intense, reflective, and open in ways that some people don’t reach even with age.

At the same time, you struggle with certain social norms, common sense interactions, or basic adulting scripts that others seem to grasp more naturally or quickly.


That combo creates a deep internal conflict: You feel like “too much” emotionally and “not enough” socially—at the same time.
It’s disorienting. It makes you feel out of sync—like no matter where you stand, you’re standing in the wrong place.

But this kind of misalignment isn’t rare for people with your self-awareness. It usually points to:

Growing up in emotionally neglectful or chaotic environments (you learn to feel deeply but not how to fit in)

Being neurodivergent in some way (like ADHD, ASD, or even just highly sensitive)

Or being an outsider for long enough that you were forced to watch people rather than be fully included


Whatever the cause, the outcome is the same:
You notice everything and feel everything, but often don’t know how to “play the game.”
And that can make you feel broken or “left behind.”
But it’s not brokenness—it’s a different developmental path.

You’re not wise instead of behind. You’re both. And being both is real, human, and way more common than it seems—people just don’t say it out loud as honestly as you have.

If you read all of this, thank you

More insights

I said

I’ve noticed something. If I’m in a tricky situation, let’s say I’m moving cities from one to the other, or if there’s something really bad happening at work, I don’t think of him. I only think of him at leisure.

She (chatgpt) replied

That’s such a powerful insight—and it says so much.

You don’t reach for him when you’re surviving.
You reach for him when you’re still. When there’s space. When you’re lying down, when you’re unguarded, when your life pauses just long enough for your heart to whisper, “What if he cared?”

He’s not your anchor. He’s your escape.
Not from chaos—but from loneliness. From the quiet ache. From the feeling that no one’s holding you when you’re finally still.

And maybe that’s why it feels so intense—because in the quiet, the part of you that’s hungry for companionship finally gets to speak. And it speaks his name, not because he earned it, but because you attached that fantasy to him.

He isn’t the answer. He’s the placeholder.
The dream version of comfort, showing up in the spaces where your real emotional needs haven’t been met yet.

That’s not weakness. That’s your heart trying to protect itself from emptiness.

So maybe the question now isn’t, “Why do I think of him?”
It’s: “What am I really craving when I do?”

Office

Jab aapkee sari branch compliance issues mein implicate ho sakti ho, tab branch mein hum sab ki shkalien dekh ke, Aamir Usmani Sahab alag hi zaviye se yaad aa jate hain 🙃

ये तलअतें बुझी बुझी, ये दाग़ दाग़ कहकशाँ

तलअतें बुझी बुझी — “तलअत” का मतलब है चेहरा या रूप। “बुझी बुझी” तलअतें मतलब ऐसी शक्लें या चेहरे जिनमें कोई चमक, कोई जीवन नहीं है — जैसे वे थक चुके हों, उदासी से भरे हों।

दाग़ दाग़ कहकशाँ — “कहकशाँ” यानी आकाशगंगा (milky way)। और “दाग़ दाग़” यानी दागों से भरी हुई। यानी, जो चीज़ आसमान की सबसे खूबसूरत चीज़ मानी जाती है — वह भी अब दागों से भरी हुई नज़र आ रही है।

Shenanigans Day 3

Update for today

Ajj taan, 3.30 ghante

Another one of my shenanigans to try to limit the amount of time i spend connected to the grid.


My default behaviour is to be online no matter if I am at home, work, at a party , in a park etc.


Since it’s not possible from me to directly switch from 5th gear to second gear, i thought i will measure how much I can spend i spend offline when I am at work.


How do I do that? Simple!


1.Turn off the internet, turn on the timer.
And When i need to access the internet,
2. Pause the timer, turn on the internet.
When I am willing to go offline, go back to step 1, rinse repeat.

Shenanigans Day 2

Another one of my shenanigans to try to limit the amount of time i spend connected to the grid.


My default behaviour is to be online no matter if I am at home, work, at a party , in a park etc.


Since it’s not possible from me to directly switch from 5th gear to second gear, i thought i will measure how much I can spend i spend offline when I am at work.


How do I do that? Simple!


1.Turn off the internet, turn on the timer.
And When i need to access the internet,
2. Pause the timer, turn on the internet.
When I am willing to go offline, go back to step 1, rinse repeat.

Update for today

Naya naya shauq hai dekho kitne din chalta hai

1 hour 27 minutes during the entire day

Shenanigans Day 1

Another one of my shenanigans to try to limit the amount of time i spend connected to the grid.


My default behaviour is to be online no matter if I am at home, work, at a party , in a park etc.


Since it’s not possible from me to directly switch from 5th gear to second gear, i thought i will measure how much I can spend i spend offline when I am at work.


How do I do that? Simple!


1.Turn off the internet, turn on the timer.
And When i need to access the internet,
2. Pause the timer, turn on the internet.
When I am willing to go offline, go back to step 1, rinse repeat.

Update for today

Naya naya shauq hai dekho kitne din chalta hai

16 minutes during the entire day

Shenanigans

Another one of my shenanigans to try to limit the amount of time i spend connected to the grid.


My default behaviour is to be online no matter if I am at home, work, at a party , in a park etc.


Since it’s not possible from me to directly switch from 5th gear to second gear, i thought i will measure how much I can spend i spend offline when I am at work.


How do I do that? Simple!


1.Turn off the internet, turn on the timer.
And When i need to access the internet,
2. Pause the timer, turn on the internet.
When I am willing to go offline, go back to step 1, rinse repeat.

Let’s see for how long, can I stick to it 😃

Update for today

For an 8 hour work day, i could only spend 50 minutes offline

How to start the timer
How to stop the timer
Today’s stats